Hitler's Last Days
By Bill O'Reilly
As the war approached an ending, I looked for any sort of point where we could turn the war. I am Adolf Hitler, leader of Nazi Germany, and due to the immense effort I have given trying to achieve world domination and the racial cleansing of the Jewish people, my health has greatly deteriorated. I walk with a hunch; I need constant doses of cocaine eye drops and methamphetamines to keep myself in control of the Fatherland. As U.S. troops and British troops knock on my door, I prepare a last ditch effort. The Battle of the Bulge, or Operation Watch on the Rhine, was a huge undertaking, overseen by a large number of German troops to push the enemy back. Or course this failed and U.S. and British troops pushed into the Fatherland. The Soviets made it to Berlin first and completely surrounded the city, starving the citizens. I decided that I would not be taken prisoner. I lived out my remaining days in the bunker underneath the Chancellory with my aides, doctors, and lover Eva Braun, also my pet German Shepherd Blondi. As the Russians got closer I decided to take my own life. Eva and I both used cyanide pills after we tested it on Blondi, but I also shot myself to ensure that it worked.
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